sara's smiles

SO MUCH GOING ON AROUND HERE..................

i have been fighting(and losing) a horrible cold for over a week. and no end in sight. i MIGHT be coughing a bit less but i still am not sleeping well and feel awful. i am sure i remember having a cold for a day or two and bouncing back right away...............not so anymore. i may be getting old.........lol............don't tell brenda i admitted to that.
i am tired. 3 grandbabies living here and they all love and adore me as much i do them......but they really don't understand when grandma is sick and can't play like she is supposed to. i try but i got cranky with nene today. i even gave her money to take a nap so i could get some rest..........lol. that is so bad. bad grandma!!! they have all had their baths and 2 will be in bed soon for school tomorrow. jeremy and heather have been trying to keep nene entertained but she NEEDS papa and namma. lol.
my brother (buck-i'm the only one who can call him that) called tonight. he calls often and i call him often. but i could tell in his voice there was bad news coming but he did his best to put it off. my brother and i were not raised together......in fact he didn't know i existed until he was 16. i was 18 when i decided to find my dad. 19 when i got to meet him as an adult and i had the chance to let him know jeremy, his first grandson. i spent a wonderful 3 months in arkansas with my dad, brother and "the aunts". whenever i say or hear "the aunts" it makes me smile. they are a collective..........3 in one or 1 in 3.............none of us has ever decided that one for sure. but they are the matriarchs of the family. 3 of the sweetest,kindest, most loving people i have ever had the good fortune to meet. the oldest, aunt oleta, was the oldest daughter, younger than my dad. i took my 4 kids back there about 14 years ago and i have gone back a couple other times. when i was there it was a huge deal!!!! the aunts paid for the hotel room, my brothers boss gave him a van. the cousins provided meals and entertainment..........i love it there and so wanted to stay. but that's another story for another time. aunt oleta made sure i had something of my grandmothers. i am the oldest grandchild but because of circumstances i never got the pleasure of what comes with that. some might say i was a secret. they all knew about me but when my mom left my dad not much more was ever said to anyone except the aunts. they and my dad tried to keep in contact and my dad tried to get custody but back then he didn't have a chance. our grandmother died at 30 (right after giving birth to her 4th child) and her oldest, my dad, died at 42. both from cancer. i lived most of my life never expecting to live this long. ok, anyway, back to the reason my brother called. he told me not to be mad at him for not calling sooner but "they" just called him tonight. when i asked who exactly "they" were, he said aunt phyllis (the second daughter).( back to that "aunt collective hive deal). my aunt oleta is not well. it looks like pancreactic cancer. more test results will be in on monday. but it doesn't look good. she's somewhere between 65 and 70....noone is allowed to know her real age...lol. i'm not dealing so well with this news. so in my ever confusing, non-rational way of dealing with things i don't want to deal with i took everyones blood pressure. they are all good. noone complained, argued or actually said anything-- just stuck out their arm and went with it. i don't have to make sense to any of them, i just am. although they all want to pick my "home" when the time comes. i shouldn't make fun, they do love me and when my mind goes i know they will take care of me whether i will be able to realize it or not. little heather has promised me a basement full of tequila. i really love that child.
i've decided not to take the job offer that came my way last week. and that's another story for another time. now i'm tired, cranky, sad and i think i'll just cry for awhile